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Something for (Just) Me

 

Questions2Ask I am trying to figure something out. You know, nothing THAT important, just who I am and what I want to be doing with my life.  Yes, I am a mother – I wear that hat proudly and confess (for better or worse) it is my top priority and the thing that I wanted most in life. But somehow that has taken over my entire identity. Through the years, my life has become all about the kids and my family. When that email circulates around about all the jobs a mother takes on (teacher, chauffeur, activities director, chef, nutritionist, psychologist, nurse practitioner, financial advisor, etc) it really isn’t tongue in cheek. It is a 24-7, 365 days a year gig; its rewards are great but the responsibility is too. And somewhere along the way I have lost sight of something: me! It’s been all about everybody else for so long that in some ways I feel I don’t even …

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Moving Again

MovingAgain

Goodbye Connecticut

 Moving – again. Some people move only two or three times in their lifetimes. I have moved more times that I can count. More times than I have fingers and toes to count off on. You would think I would be good at moving by now. You would think it would come easily to me, certainly after all this “practice” I have had. It doesn’t. It feels as strange and foreign and difficult to me as if it is my first time.

I wanted to give my children roots. You know, that proverbial house with a white picket fence. A family home to come back to once they had grown and moved on with their lives. Height markings on the wall showing their growth over the years. A chip in the hardwood floor, worn down into a groove over the years, which was first created in a terrible temper tantrum when one of them was three. We have …

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Nora Ephron Knows

Received one of those email today that gets passed around.  This one was entitled “Buy More Bath Oil,” and was an excerpt written by Nora Ephron.  It must be a chapter from one of her recent books and in her typical fashion it is lovely and funny and oh so true.  But what stuck with this Zen Mama Wannabe the most was when she wrote of the loss of her best friend.  

“My friend Judy died last year. She was the person I told everything to. She was my best friend, my extra sister, my true mother, sometimes even my daughter. She was all these things, and one day she called up to say, the weirdest thing has happened, there’s a lump on my tongue. Less than a year later, she was dead. She was 66 years old. She had no interest in dying, right to the end. She died horribly. And now she’s gone. I think of her every

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Why Can’t We Have it All?

Why do we put limits on ourselves as though there is no way we can get what we REALLY want and who do we think we are for asking for it all anyway? Is it wrong to us to expect certain things to just work out? After all, why shouldn’t they? Why can’t things fall into place effortlessly in our lives? Why is our expectation so often the opposite? Yes, why indeed?

When one talks of moving to a new place, one of the first things to do is to find a place to live. We did that – and may I mention that it truly seemed to fall into place. A lovely house, almost completely remodeled – practically new. It had just about everything on my list of what I wanted in a house, and certainly ALL the major points that would have been deal breakers otherwise (big yard for the kids, nice office space for my husband, guest …

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You Get What You Expect – so what do you expect?

Why do we put limits on ourselves as though there is no way we can get what we REALLY want and who do we think we are for asking for it all anyway?  Is it wrong to us to expect certain things to just work out?  After all, why shouldn’t they? You know, smooth sailing ahead. Why can’t things fall into place effortlessly in our lives?  Why is our expectation so often the opposite?  Yes, why indeed?

When one talks of moving to a new place, one of the first things to do is to find a place to live.  We did that – and may I mention that it truly seemed to fall into place.  A lovely house, almost completely remodeled – practically new.  It had just about everything on my list of what I wanted in a house, and certainly ALL the major points that would have been deal breakers otherwise (big yard for the kids, nice office …

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Having the Guts to Move

“Ok, I get the fact that you’re moving,” one friend said to me.  “But to Connecticut?? It’s as if you closed your eyes and threw a dart at a map of the United States.” “Wow!” said another acquaintance, “I could never do that, to just pack up and move across the country.  I wouldn’t have the guts.”

Ah yes, having the guts.  I remember back when I graduated from college and was thinking about making my first “big” move – out to Colorado. At 23, it sounded like quite the adventure. It was as though I could picture my life if I stayed in Southern California (the job/career, the good friends, the eventual husband and kids and house in the suburbs where all houses looked the same) and the thought stifled me to my inner core.  Sure, it sounded like a fine life – it just didn’t sound like an exciting life.  I didn’t want to look back at …

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How the Kids Handled the News (A Year of Change – Part 2)

The tears came much sooner than I had been expecting.  As soon as they heard the opening paragraph of my much-thought-about somewhat-prepared announcement, the question was blurted out: “You mean we’re moving??” I had barely got the “s” of Yes out of my mouth before my Little One burst into sobs.  Hmm – not quite what I had hoped.

My son immediately took over, drilling us with questions, his brow furrowed as he tried to make sense of it.  Working hard at answering what he threw at us distracted me enough that I didn’t notice how his eyes were watering as he struggled to hold it all together – for as long as he could. Was this our rock bottom?  I didn’t have to wonder for long – the answer was pretty clear:  Nope, not yet – as bad as it is, we still have a ways to go.

The conversation has continued, on and off for over a day …

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Shocking News (A Year of Change – Part 1)

With heavy hearts, my husband and I are going to sit down with our kids tonight and tell them what will be very shocking news.  No matter that this is as common as ever in our country, no matter that they personally know at least a handful of kids who have recently experienced this, no matter that we are doing this for all the “right” reasons, they are going to be shocked, heart broken and dismayed (and that’s just for starters). We are going to alter their lives forever, and believe me, we don’t take that lightly. And because of it, my husband and I are scared to death.

My kids are so happy right now.  Their lives are going along great.  Will they have seen this life-changing event coming?  No – I don’t think so.  Oh, maybe they might look back on it and in hindsight pick up a clue.  Perhaps they’ll recall overhearing a conversation or two.  But …

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Love You Forever and Always

Had a dream last night…I was waiting in my mother’s room for her – she was out somewhere.  Still at dinner in the dining hall?? Something. The room was quiet and dimly lit.  I had this sense of what she must have experienced so often (every day perhaps).  The stillness.  The quiet.  The loneliness.  Hard to imagine it day in and day out.  I looked up at her clock and it was after 8pm.  Suddenly I got worried.  Where was she?  Had she gotten confused?  Why wasn’t she back yet?  Should I go looking for her?

Then suddenly she appeared at her doorway.  Frail but not as frail as she had been near the end of her life.  I don’t think she was using a walker, as she had needed to after her 90th birthday, after cracking her head open the second time.  It was late, she was tired, and we agreed she needed to just get ready …

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Playing the Numbers Game

I have played the numbers game for years.  85. 68. 72. 91.  These numbers may not mean anything to most people, but for over half my life they were a measure of my own good fortune.  I would read in the newspaper that a woman died at age 72, and up until recently my mom was still alive at 90.  Ok…deep breath…we’re doing okay.

Now my mom is gone – and I have the audacity to feel cheated.  Living to 90 is having a good long run (and my mom certainly did).  In that respect she was blessed and I am thankful.  The fallout of having a child late in life, however, is that most people MY age have parents who are currently in their 60’s.  Assuming all goes well, they are looking at having their parents around for another 20-30 years!

I feel too young to have lost both parents – cheated out of years most everyone else my …

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